Every good parent wants to ensure their child's happiness, success, and self-discovery. But what happens when a parent’s journey takes an unexpected turn, challenging societal norms and prejudices? As Pride Month comes to an end, I decided to share a deeply personal story about embracing my adult child's truth with love, support, and acceptance.
A Mother's Knowing
When my oldest son was 19 years old and away at college, he called to check in, and in the course of that conversation came out as nonbinary. "What's that?" I asked, having never heard the term before. As he explained its meaning, glimpses of his childhood flashed before my eyes, each confirming the definition he provided. "That's it!" I exclaimed, "That's exactly who you are!" Prior to that moment, I did not have the language to describe what I saw in my son as he became of age. I just knew and described him as different. After that moment, I was able to see and understand him fully for what he truly was and was able to embrace his gender identity, because it made sense.
When he was two years old, he picked out a pair of shoes with Winnie the Pooh on them. I couldn't tell if they were for boys or girls, but since he liked them so much, I decided to buy them for him because the shoes fit his interest and personality. When I took him out to a social gathering, a male friend of a friend commented on the shoes with subtle condemnation and I felt bad about not being able to determine the shoes' gender prior to purchase. I lamented having to put my son in a position to be judged, and decided never to make that mistake again.
As he grew older, I noticed he was a little different than other boys. He was not overly feminine, but he was not entirely masculine either. He was ... different. He was more emotional, emotionally intelligent and emotionally expressive than what I had experienced in a male but I attributed it to us having spent so much time together and talking a lot as he aged. During high school, he began wearing less masculine presenting clothes and accentuated his outfits with some of my scarves. He was a theater kid, so I attributed that to his flair for the dramatic. My gaydar never went off with him, so I concluded he was just ... different.
Understanding and Acceptance
After that clarifying conversation, it took some time for me to grasp the weight of what he shared. His decision to be honest with himself and others about how he experienced life and his desire to express himself authentically meant things would change, for the both of us. Still, without hesitation, I surrendered to a journey of education, compassion, and support. A part of that support involved respecting his chosen, gender neutral name of Kay and using his preferred pronoun of they, which I will use for the remainder of this article to demonstrate the shift in thinking. They changed their last name to Jovah for different reasons, and that is what I prefer to call them because it's meaning and pronunciation is similar to their deadname of Joshua (the name I gave them at birth).
Society's Challenges
Social norms are expectations that society has for a person's behavior, with certain characteristics and behaviors being associated with being male or female. When a person does not comply with those expectations, or the stereotypes that dictate how a man or woman is supposed to look or act, society's discomfort with gender non-conformity leads to hostility and disdain.
Reflecting back on the shoes I bought for Jovah when they were two years old, that was my first encounter with societal prejudices and stereotypes that sought to invalidate Jovah's unarticulated gender expression. At the time, I succumbed to the pressure and did not allow them to wear the shoes again. Today, however, armed with knowledge, empathy, and a fierce maternal instinct, I stand with Jovah and their decision to express themself in a way that is affirming of who they are. I can not control society's response to my child, but I can be a safe space, and a shield of protection against ignorance and intolerance. My response to the uncertainty and opposition is to provide education to those willing to receive it, and unwavering support of my child's happiness, comfort, and confidence. Their unapologetic acceptance of themself despite discrimination has freed us both from the
the shackles of societal expectations, and taught me the true meaning of unconditional love.
Final Reflection
The world is often clouded by prejudice and fear. There is a lot of fear, but there is also a lot of hope. My hope is that through love, education, and acceptance, we can create a world where everyone feels free to live and love in a way that honors themselves and their values. As we go on our individual paths of self-discovery and acceptance, my hope is that the power of unconditional love overshadows all boundaries and supports the gift and courage to be true to one's self. I hope that my story of accepting my child's truth with an open heart and mind will encourage others to embrace differences, exercise compassion, and treat everyone with love and respect. I hope others recognize that they can develop an understanding of something even if they don't agree with it, and that doing so contributes to the basic human needs that we all share - those of acceptance, safety and belonging.
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