Divorce was something I never considered - until I did. When we married, our main takeaway from premarital counseling was to not consider divorce an option, and so I didn't. I endured an unhappy marriage while putting effort into presenting as if it wasn't, and lost myself in the process. The beginning of the end came when I decided to do things a little different because my children were watching. I began to speak up, for them and for me. The chasm between us became even greater, and the atmosphere more consistently tense. Divorce became an option when I realized that staying married meant only one of us could exist; I was dying inside, and I didn't want to die. It's been a decade since my divorce was finalized and to this day, I have no regrets. It still haunts me though. Not the decision to divorce, but the painful upheaval and years-long recovery. A former client recently texted me to inform that she was getting a divorce, and I decided to brush off an article that I started earlier this month but never finished in hopes that it would be helpful to her, and anyone recovering from divorce. The article was about a conversation I had with friends in various stages of recovering from divorce, and the common experiences that were worth noting. These friends all shared a similar 'no regrets' about divorce, despite post-divorce challenges, and offered these tips for anyone navigating this type of heartbreak.
Allow Yourself to Grieve
The aftermath of divorce stirs up a whirlwind of emotions - sadness, anger, confusion, loneliness, and even relief - all of which I felt. I grieved the loss of my marriage long before we filed for divorce. Still, the pain of physical separation was difficult because I had spent my entire adult life with this person. Despite how unhappy and dysfunctional, we still had had a life and a family together that was my normal for 18 years. It's important to acknowledge and process these feelings rather than suppress them. "I still have moments of grief," my friend Susie acknowledged, "We were married 44 years and dated on and off a few years before that. I hear a song on the radio, or see a place on television that we visited together, and I lose it. Four decades is a long time to spend with one person."
Everyone's experience with grief is different. Jennie grieved for several years after her marriage of 22 years ended, "I'm not completely over grieving" she admitted, "I (have) cried, was depressed, struggled to survive. I still see a therapist and struggle over things . . . but do not grieve over him anymore." Marie grieved for about 6 months after 9-year marriage ended and "threw myself into my job and losing weight." For Sherrie, who was married for 7 years, grief was more elusive. "I don't think I grieved, in the true sense of the word," she reflected, "I spent a couple of years just very disappointed in myself and embarrassed at what I had done." After his divorce, Jorge, who had been married for 32 years, felt similarly "I don't know if I grieved, I was more relieved" he shared, while adding, "I was also traumatized. I didn't know that at the time, but I was emotionally damaged. It took me roughly 2-3 years to be healed."
Seek Support
Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who can listen and provide comfort. I had a handful of really close friends that checked on me every day for months and got me through that difficult time just after my divorce. I couldn't imagine going it alone because I had a lot of things to let out, but not everyone is so fortunate. Sherrie had surface conversations with family and "just carried on. I had no one to lean on except me." In situations like this, I recommend seeing a therapist to help navigate the complex emotions. Jennie tried talking to friends but "everyone had their own opinion of him and what I should do or should have done" she noted, "I found peace with a counselor that helped me understand that I did not cause this and still helps me with the hard days."
Focus on Self Care and Honoring Your Needs
Feeling a loss of identity is common after divorce and its important to take time to rediscover who you are as an individual. My codependent tendencies made this a struggle for me and I found myself investing in relationships too quickly in an attempt to fill that void. I had spent a lifetime prioritizing everyone else's wants and needs, that I was not in touch with nor catered to my own. I eventually forced myself to be alone for a time, and ended up discovering a peace and prosperity I never knew existed. Sherrie's self-discovery was delayed for similar reasons. "Because I put myself in situationships and relationships not too long after the divorce, I didn't give myself time to reflect" she shared, "The actual rediscovery of myself came many years later, I didn't discover me really until just a few short years ago. I learned it was ok to put myself first."
Jorge began dating within months of leaving his marriage but discovered that getting into relationships only highlighted his unresolved issues. "I would break up with the ladies due to panic attacks and anxiety that would come out of no where. I ended up having panic attacks because I was afraid they would treat me the same way my ex-wife did." He offered that what helped him the most was positive affirmation, "I put signs all around my house saying I was worthy. I was important. I was somebody. I deserve happiness." Finding happiness in small things is something Jennie also explored, as her process involved doing something she had always wanted to do. "The biggest thing I did was get a lot of piercings. I didn't have to answer to anyone who would tell me no." She also highlighted the freedom she found in her home, living alone "I have things exactly how I like them and not how someone else thinks they should be." For Marie, self-care involved solitude and shopping. "I spent a lot of time journaling and talking to God," she shared. "I lost 30lbs, started working on my wardrobe and getting dressed up more often. I had spent so many years in the shadow of my marriage, I felt reborn again."
Moving Forward with Purpose
Divorce is painful, and marks the end of a chapter in life that most never anticipate. But for many, it also signifies a new beginning filled with endless possibilities. Take time to rediscover yourself, pursue passions and interests you may have neglected, and reimagine and create the life you want. Recovering from divorce is a transformative journey, sprinkled with opportunities for growth and self-discovery. By allowing yourself the time and space to grieve, seeking support and embracing self-care, you can navigate this challenging time with grace and strength. You are stronger than you think. You are deserving of love, happiness, and a fulfilling future. You are not defined by your past, but rather by the courage and resilience you exhibit in moving forward. You can and will emerge stronger, and ready for the next chapter of your life.
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About the Author
Carlita L. Coley is a North Carolina native with Virginia roots. A Licensed Professional Counselor by day and a writer during all other times, she enjoys reflecting on and writing about the human experience in hopes of educating, empowering and inspiring. Read more about her journey in her memoir, Eve's Exodus.
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