Values are personal, and are basic beliefs that guide a person's behavior. Social norms are expectations that society has for a person's behavior. Sometimes, those two things conflict. This is especially true for a friend of mine who recently shared the unique challenges she faces as a masculine presenting lesbian. In honor of Pride Month, she agreed to sit down with me to discuss the struggles she has faced navigating aggression and rejection as a result of living life on her terms.
Unveiling Her Personal Story
Imagine waking up every day feeling an innate sense of who you are, only to be met with stares filled with judgment, or worse, aggression. Meet June. June is a licensed professional who has been serving her community for over 20 years. She is also a lesbian who has walked the past 15 years of her life with a masculine gender expression. "It hasn't been that long" June noted about her masculine presentation, "considering the fact that I'm 50 and have been feeling this way since I was a kid."
From a young age, June recognized that she felt different. Although she spent time with her mother and a plethora of feminine family members and friends, she never felt like she was really like them. June felt more comfortable and kindred with her three brothers and connected more with them in conversation, music and outlook. It was her intense crush on her 4th grade teacher that caused her to realize her same sex attraction. She had more age appropriate crushes as she got older, but because of her religious and cultural upbringing, June did not acknowledge her attractions publicly until after college.
In her late 20s, June met the woman who would give her the confidence to be fully herself. "Lynn noticed something was off about me and questioned why I was so stuffy," June recalled. Their conversations led June to acknowledge that she had never been comfortable in the feminine. "Even as a little girl, I never liked it, I just did it because that's how my momma raised me. I hated the dresses, the hair, the earrings, the purses, all of that. It was all so unnecessary and just a lot for me." Once encouraged to neglect social norms in exchange for living and presenting in a way that was more aligned with her personal values, June began presenting more masculine. "For the record, I am not a man. I don't want to be a man. I am a woman who likes women. I walk, talk, dress and act how I need to to feel comfortable (in my own skin)."
Unmerited Aggression
Aggression, and passive aggression, towards masculine-presenting lesbians often stems from societal discomfort with gender non-conformity. Women who chose to express their masculinity openly find themselves clashing with stereotypes that dictate how women should look and behave. This clash can lead to aggression, forcing individuals like June to constantly be on guard against discrimination and hostility.
June acknowledged that her demeanor could be confusing to others, but rejects the notion that that confusion justifies "their blatant disregard and utter lack of concern my feelings, my welfare, my safety." She recounted an incident when she was out enjoying her lady, and a man whom she did not know insinuated himself into their dinner date without their permission, and despite their objection. The man violated their personal space by sitting in between them, putting his arm around each of them and made disparaging remarks and jokes that amused him only. He eventually left them, but not before making homophobic remarks and antics that left June feeling shaken. "Protecting my lady, my family, from harm or threats of harm is paramount to me. His disrespect and attempt to exert dominance in a space that was not even his made me feel helpless."
The Sting of Rejection
Masculine-presenting lesbians find themselves facing exclusion or judgment from those who struggle to understand or accept gender expression beyond the traditional binaries. June expressed remorse that this experience with rejection is not limited to strangers, as she struggles with the lack of acceptance from her birth family. "My family doesn't see my family as being real, or me as the head of it. My mother believes I'm single, (even though she) talks to her every night but still doesn't acknowledge her or her children as my family" she lamented, referring to Aries, her current partner of six years, and the three (now adult) children she helped raise. June expressed the weight of this rejection by highlighting the similarity in her and her brother's family, and the disparity of acceptance due to his spouse's gender. She mulled, "Am I not deserving of love, peace, happiness and respect as head of a household because I am not a man?"
Coping and Finding Support
Despite the challenges faced by masculine-presenting lesbians, stories like June's do not end at the conclusion of other people's judgement. After the dinner interruption, she and her partner processed their experience and reflected on their values and commitment to each other to calm the anxieties that the unwanted interaction spawned. This affirming conversation made all the difference and denotes the importance of finding and/or creating a supportive community when experiencing adversity. Through shared experiences and solidarity, masculine-presenting lesbians can encourage each other as they navigate a world still grappling with acceptance and diversity. June's journey as a masculine-presenting lesbian serves as a reminder for us to strive to create a world where everyone, regardless of gender expression, can feel safe, be accepted, and embraced for who they are.
*Names and identifying characteristics in this article have been changed to protect privacy.
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