Grief followed me home on a cold winter's day when I was a little girl, and sat with me as my view of the world changed. At the time, I didn't understand the deep sorrow that accompanied the loss of my faith in those charged to care for me, nor did I know what to do with the wave of emotions. I dealt with it as best I could, and though it gradually quieted, the feeling of grief never fully left me. I have experienced grief at various points throughout my 50 years, usually after an unmet expectation, an unfulfilled dream, the loss of a relationship, a significant life change or the loss of a loved one. Losing one of my dearest friends, Joy, a couple of weeks ago has reacquianted me with grief and inspired this Joy From My World series to help cope with that loss. As I navigate the tidal wave of emotions, I have been somehow comforted by an internal reminder that the pain will eventually pass, and I will evolve as a better version of myself if I allow my heart to stay open. Here's what I've come to understand about grief:
Grief Almost Always Surrounds Loss
The American Psychological Association considers grief "the anguish experienced after significant loss." Loss comes in many forms, and grief is not just about crying and feeling sad; it’s about processing the void left behind. During my first experience with grief after feeling abandoned, the void that was left was the awareness that if I were to get through anything difficult, I would have to get through it alone. In my preteens, I became aware of the void that was left by growing up without a father. As a newlywed, I experienced the void that was left by the disappointment of discovering that marriage was not what I expected. A year later, I lost the only witness to my traumatic childhood and the void of losing my sister shook me to my core. Then there was the end of my 18 year marriage and the void that was left by an unfulfilled dream. A few years later, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness after losing my mobility, and that void left me feeling betrayed by and disconnected from my own body. Each loss was followed by anguish, deep sorrow and the daunting task of taking it all in and trying to make sense of it.
Grief Is Not Depression
Grief is a complex process that weaves together sadness, anger, confusion, and even moments of joy as you remember what you’ve lost. Grief is a response to loss, and a reflection of the depth of love, connection or importance that a person or a thing held in your life.
"Grief is a journey, you know? I understand that grief is love that has no place to go."
- Regina King
The grief process is a natural part the universal human experience, and while it does share some of the same characteristics of depression, such as intense sadness and/or social withdrawal, grief and depression are also different in important ways:
• With depression, your mood and the way you formulate thoughts are almost constantly negative. In grief, painful feelings come in waves, like a rollercoaster at times - one day you're feeling okay, with positive memories of the person or thing you lost. The next day, you're back at square one balling my eyes out and feeling overwhelmed with sorrow. It's that unpredictability that makes grief hard to cope with.
• Depression corrodes your view of your self, leaving you with feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. In grief, self-esteem is usually preserved and hope is not elusive. A perfect example of this is Norjon's (my friend's son) demonstration of strength in the midst of sorrow at her funeral. "Having her as a mother was the greatest blessing of my life" he said before clearing his throat of a grief longing to escape, "Though I know I'll never encounter a love like hers again" . . . he paused, his spoken words registering to him in a way that his written words had not. He was overcome with emotion and began sobbing for a few brief moments. Grief had come like a tidal wave - unpredictable, overwhelming, crashing over him. When he composed himself, he tearfully continued with determination, "Though I'll never encounter a love like hers again, I am deeply grateful for the privilege of experiencing it. Her presence was gift that will forever guide me, a light that will never fade from my heart."
Grief Affects All of Your Being
Grief isn't a single emotion or a one-and-done type of experience. On average, grief can last 6 months to 2 years or more, but there is no set time limit. The length of time a person grieves varies but it is not uncommon for it to last a year or longer. Grief can be an all consuming experience, affecting how you feel, how you think and how you act. While it manifests differently for everyone, grief often involves a mix of the following:
Emotional Responses: You may experience shock, feelings of helplessness or dispair. Feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, relief, or numbness can eb and flow, sometimes catching you off guard. A song, a comment, or a specific date that makes you think of your loved one can make you smile or cry, even years later. While grief causes some people to hold stronger to their faith, you may also begin to feel differently about your religion or faith, as I did, and question your beliefs. My exposures to grief and loss have been varied, with some experiences helping to expand my spirituality, deepen my faith and help me understand things in more meaninful ways.
Cognitive Symptoms: You may experience disbelief, confusion, and have trouble concentrating and focusing on things. Some people become preoccupied with the loss and can't think about anything except the person or thing they lost. You may also have dreams about the person you lost, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. My sister has visited me in my dreams several times over the years and the feelings of peace and comfort I get from those dreams have been surreal.
Physical Sensations: Grief can cause physical symptoms like fatigue, sleep problems, changes in appetite, tightness in the chest, or other bodily aches. A 2020 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that prolonged grief can weaken the immune system, which goes to show how interconnected our emotions and physical health are. I often wonder how and if my chronic stress and experiences with grief contributed to the development of my autoimmune diseases (Multiple Sclerosis and Sjogren's Syndrome).
Behavioral Changes: When you are grieving, it is normal for you to act differently. You may be irritable or have a short temper. You may find yourself staying away from social activities despite feeling alone, or engaging in an uncharacteristic manner as a way to cope with feelings of grief and loss.
"Grief is an emotional, phsyical, and spiritual necessity,the price you pay for love.
The only cure for grief is to grieve." - Earl Grollman
Understanding what grief looks and feels like helps validate the experience of grief without judgment and unrealistic expectations, and allows you to be patient with yourself, as you navigate the unique journey that loss requires.
Grief is Transformative
When someone you love dies, the world changes. The grief you experience as a result of the loss changes you. While everyone's experience with it is different, grief has strengthened me and made me more resilient. As painful as the journey has been, it has deepened my awareness of my capacity and my connection to the spirit. I am more certain of my strengths, accepting of my vulnerabilities and determined to live my life in a way that explores and honors the reason I was created. My evolving perspective about grief is similar to the garden Rumi, a 13th century poet, describes when referring to grief, and offers way of looking at grief that can change the manner in which you experience it.
“Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom.” – Rumi
What I have come to understand about grief is that by keeping your heart open, even in times of deep sorrow, you can allow the pain to guide you toward greater compassion for and understanding of yourself and others. It can help you discover new depths of love and wisdom from within. With time, the sorrow carves out space for more joy and connection, turning a dark time into an opportunity for spiritual growth. As you navigate grief, remember to be kind to yourself. Greiving is painful, but is a necessary journey that reflects your humanity and the depth of how you love and expereince life. With time, you will learn to carry the memory of your lost love in a way that allows you to move forward.
In my next installment, Joy From My World: How to Cope with Grief, I'll share heartfelt insights and coping strategies I've learned along the way that have helped me manuever through grief and maintain my sanity. Stay tuned.
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About the Author
Carlita L. Coley is a North Carolina native with Virginia roots. A Licensed Professional Counselor by day and a writer during all other times, she enjoys reflecting on and writing about the human experience in hopes of educating, empowering and inspiring. Read more about her journey in her memoir, Eve's Exodus.
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